The Good Kind
by biospecialist
Summary: "But what she longs more than anything is to not be on the edge of stepping into a world where she learns to love again. Because what's unacceptable is this longing to be in love with Grant Ward."
1. We're at the Beginning

**Title:** _The Good Kind (Take My Tortured Heart by the Hand and Write Me Off)_

**Category:** _Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D._

**Genre:** _Romance_

**Ship:** _Ward/Simmons_

**Overall Rating:** _Mature [TEEN]_

**Word Count:** _3,399_

**Summary:** _"But what she longs more than anything is to not be on the edge of stepping into a world where she learns to love again. Because what's unacceptable is this longing to be in love with Grant Ward."_

**I**

_-we're at the beginning-_

The first time Simmons really looks herself in the mirror she memorizes her flaws, from the the hollow look in her eyes to the tremble in her bottom lip. It doesn't take her long to turn away, she feels unbeautiful.

She takes in her surroundings. Her one bedroom apartment that holds few belongings, but it's home. Her home. And she's unsure when she'll return.

She's been reassigned to a smaller task force. She isn't given much detail, but she doesn't complain. A job is a job.

Anything that takes away from her pain. _Right?_

She thinks this will help her forget the past, that she will be able to forget him. The betrayal still runs deep within her veins, it's a wonder that she was able to fool anyone. If S.H.I.E.L.D. was really smart they would have never given her the okay to return to work.

Sometimes she forgets she's a better actress than she gives herself credit for.

She doesn't hesitate to look back when she shuts the door behind her. She never liked those damn red walls anyway.

* * *

When she steps onto the Hub she cringes at the sight before her.

_Fitz._ (As if that says it all).

It feels like forever since she last saw him. Heck, it has been almost three years since she finally made up her mind and decided that lab work just wasn't what she wanted out of life. She reminds herself that he was the one who stopped talking to her. Not the other way around.

She can't blame him though- she turned her back on their years of hard work for a silly little fantasy, in a romance that was filled with nothing but deceit. It's almost too unbearable to think of.

It's not the sight of him that makes her regret accepting this mission, however. It's the two men arguing before her that instantly tells her this is going to become a disaster.

She ponders on how to approach them, but in the end it's Fitz that notices her first. His anger bleeds through her pores. It doesn't sting as much when the taller man, the one who had his back to her, turns in her direction and really looks at her.

She doesn't recognize him but she's pretty sure he knows who she is. Everyone at S.H.I.E.L.D. does. Simmons is the girl who let her emotions dictate her decisions instead of her gut- it almost put an end to the world.

She really should get an update on all the field agents. She knows she never will.

And he's still staring at her. It sends a thousand tiny, uncontrollable, shivers down her spine.

If only he would stop… so she clears her throat, "I'm here to speak to Agent Coulson. I'm Agent Simmons... I'll be working with you until further notice."

"I'm Agent Ward… and this is Fitz." He reaches out a hand to welcome her but she saves him the trouble of having to deal with the consequences of touching her.

It's Fitz's scoff that tells her she can leave now so she makes her way up the spiral staircase and silently begs that next time he'll slap her. Anything that'll remind her there's still a person inside.

* * *

Things on board finally slip into routine and by the third week on the job Simmons unsure if she can call Ward a friend, she's not the kind of girl to have friends. But the silent mornings they share with one another are not unpleasant.

Whether it's him cooking breakfast and her finishing up his crossword puzzles it slides into a comfortability she doesn't like.

She can sense his eyes on her and it's like she's being exposed. She hums to distract his wondering eyes from her calves, yet she still chooses to sleep in t-shirts twice her size without shying away from the fact that it cause him to stare.

It's a dangerous game she's playing, she know this. A part of her wants this, however, so she gives in… just a little bit. Besides, if she starts wearing real pajamas now she knows that he'll know that she's finally caught on.

But he's a man and like all men they have fantasies so she'll let him hold on to this one.

It's not like it means anything.

* * *

No one knows for sure what she does. Well, except for her and Coulson.

Fitz and Ward are becoming extremely impatient with all the secrets. All she has to offer on what she does is that it's not as big of a deal as they'd like to think. Her heart's not in it to tell them why. And Coulson has given her strict orders to keep what she knows to herself.

It's the least she can do.

Skye's the first to attempt to crack her walls and it ends with her being a ravenous bitch. She's really broken the silent peace agreement now. Good, she thinks. That'll teach them not to push buttons with warning labels on them.

She can't help but feel a little guilty though. It wasn't as if Skye new the rules. After all, she was new.

It causes the rest of the team to act fraught and she decides that perhaps she needs to fix this mess. So later that night she walks to Skye's bunk not even bothering to knock before entering. The other girl is sitting on her small twin size bed looking at something that Simmons assumes must be pretty important. She hadn't even noticed her not so subtle entrance and she has to give Skye a small tap on her leg to get her attention.

She doesn't look at her when she speaks, "I'm sorry about earlier Skye. I shouldn't have said what I did. If I'm being honest it was an attack against myself. Not you. Eventually you'll figure out things for yourself, things involving the people on this plane and S.H.I.E.L.D. It's not all pleasant…, but my point is I'm someone you shouldn't want to get to know."

Skye gives her this funny look, one she recognizes. She's not sure what she was hoping for because if it was forgiveness than she's out of luck and it takes a whole lot of willpower to stand up again.

She gets it though. You don't talk about someone's unpleasant past unless you're trying to break open old scars. She was cruel to be cruel, not cruel to get you off my back.

And she's out of there before Skye can say anything. Simmons learned a long time ago that feelings led to trouble and trouble led to disaster.

When she bumps into Ward in the hallway she immediately regrets her decision to fix the situation.

There's something about him that gives her a tingling sensation that he could be the missing piece to her story and it's like he knows her better than herself.

Funny.

They've barely spoken a word to one another. His actions speak louder than words, she's learned it's his way of communicating, and when it comes down to it she wouldn't change those quiet moments they often share for anything in the world.

Not the time when she almost fell off the stool trying to grab some silly old family ingredients, not when he asks her to play board games, and not even the times he spars with her.

She'll never admit to feeling afraid, but it scares her because if she recalls correctly the last time the words freedom spoke to her heart it had cost her everything she held dear. She can't afford to shatter any more of the glass that made her who she is.

Or, at least, who she _was._

"Sorry."

Sorry seems to be the only word she knows lately. A quick pace, she accepts, will get her out of anymore uncomfortable situations. However, he's fast on his toes and his fingers slide around her delicate arm.

"Simmons. I…, I know I'm not the kind of person who should be giving advice but if you think it's not okay to feel... than you're wrong. It's in our nature to make mistakes and to be angry and sad that we messed up, but we have to let ourselves heal eventually."

A surge of relief washes over her then, and yet, it's just not enough. It's not enough to motivate her to believe in him. To believe in herself.

"Hasn't anyone ever told you Agent Ward that people who seek advice already know the answer they're looking for? It's permission they're seeking, not guidance."

She doesn't regret speaking her mind this time. At least, not to him.

* * *

Days later the team finds out that she's not just Agent Simmons, but Dr. Simmons. Thanks to Coulson revealing that she actually has two PhD's. Fitz is the only one who doesn't look shocked and it all leaves them curious.

He knew long before all of them that she had specialized in biochemistry. In a life that didn't consist of hitting things and death.

They all start to come to understand why she's here, but they're still missing all the pieces.

She finally finds herself to be relevant and that she can contribute to the bunch. She gets to examine a dead body- the science portion doesn't bring her joy like it used to, not when she's looking at this poor man's cold face and seeing a devastated family in the back of her mind.

It doesn't occur to her that this infectious disease, if you will, can be caught. No, not until hours (days? she's unsure) later when her and Fitz are locked inside the lab and she's running a really high fever. They strain themselves into finding a cure because it's who they are, it's what they do.

She just never thought that this is how things would end for her, but she doesn't cry. She's not weak, never weak. So as she asks Coulson to tell her dad first she's surprised to feel a tear dripping down her cheek. It's best to let it fall, maybe they won't notice. But they all do and when she sees tears in Skye's eyes it's the first time in years that she lets herself smile.

Who would have thought someone would cry over her? The thought itself makes her want to laugh.

She refuses to look at Ward. She can feel his questions penetrating her. _Why didn't you tell any of us you knew Fitz? Why do you live your life in the dark? Why are you willing to let yourself die?_ She just doesn't have the answers.

Death brings people closer, Simmons realizes.

Because Fitz is trying so hard to stay professional but through it all they're friendship is stronger than ever and she mentally tells herself that he must know how much he means to her… just as she's making sure the blow to his head only does enough damage to make him pass out.

The only way to protect her team is to jump. She needs to do things right for once. It hurts like hell when he shouts out her name but she's already free falling through the air.

The drop is taking longer than she expected and she tells herself she's not afraid.

_She most definitely is._

She's not afraid for herself though. She's afraid that this what her life will add up to: a waste. Because she wasted more than half of it being somebody she never wanted to be. If only she had a little more time.

Yeah, to screw it up more. She hates herself for thinking it, but she does. Her eyes close then, just when a pair of masculine arms wrap around her and something sharp stabs her in the thigh.

When she feels herself hit the water it's the first time she opens her eyes and she finds herself surprised to find that it's Ward who's holding her so close.

"I never thought I'd see you in hell."

She drifts off again and this time she hopes she never wakes up.

* * *

She's silent, like always, when Coulson yells at them. She doesn't let him see what she's really feeling. She saving this rage for a particular someone, "It won't happen again, Sir."

When they're out of his office she corner's Ward and her hand goes flying across his cheek.

"You should have let me die. It's what I deserve."

It's the cool hand that he puts to her cheek that stuns her. He really should know better. It lasts about ten seconds until it's the opposite hand that lands a blow to other side of his cheek when he knows to let her walk away.

* * *

It's been two months since she jumped out of the plane, two months since Ward saved her life, and two long months since she's said more than five words to anyone.

It's been two months and she still hasn't been able to stand in the same room as Ward.

But when Fitz comes to have a little chat with her in the kitchen, she gets that it's affecting everyone's ability to do their job.

He begins hesitantly, "I don't know what happened between the two of you, but I do know one of you has to fix it."

She wants to make things better. It's just not in her to.

"Coulson wants the problem resolved. He says that he only needs one field agent. And surprisingly I don't want it to be you that has to go. We both know who he'll send packing, Jemma."

Her first name hasn't been whispered in so long it's like she doesn't know who this Jemma is anymore.

"When did you figure it out?"

She stops from taking a bite into her sandwich to look at him.

"I always knew why you were here Simmons. You can pretend to know and believe what Coulson tells you, but I think it's a little more complicated than that."

The pat to her shoulder confuses her more and when he steals the sandwich from her hands she doesn't fight him on it. She just returns the smile.

She doesn't have to understand all at once.

* * *

Simmons is the first to approach Ward. He's sitting in the lounge, seemingly invested in what he's reading, wearing glasses that Simmons undoubtedly finds to be very attractive.

She really hates to think this is the man she slapped. Twice.

"Agent Ward? May I have a five seconds of your attention?"

He glances at her for a moment and she kind of just wants Coulson to go ahead and kick her off the team already. She'd been avoiding Ward for a reason. If she was gone she wouldn't have to face the damage done.

"I've been informed that this dispute is causing problems within the group and I would like to resolve it."

He's still glancing at his book, but she knows. She knows he's paying attention. And it causes something in her to snap.

"Fine, you don't want to look at me then go ahead and pretend to be reading your precious book. But I know you're paying attention. And I have a few things I'd like to say to you, but if you're expecting an apology you're not going to get one... The thing is I don't regret slapping you because I didn't asked to be saved. Maybe I shouldn't have jumped, maybe I shouldn't have slapped you, maybe the second one was too much. I don't know Agent Ward, but I do regret that I never thanked you for jumping out of a plane for me regardless of the circumstances," As her fingers become intertwined with the hem of her shirt it takes all of her courage to finish speaking, "I'm a very damaged person inside, Ward. And I'm pretty sure that I'm unsavable… It's why I have been so angry with you... You risked your life, something that is so precious and valuable. I'm angry because when you compare our lives mine is meaningless, if someone were to die, it should be me. I may walk and talk like a living being but I'm dead on the inside. My point is- You can't bring something back from the grave and I don't want it to be hanging over my head if you die to save me, especially when I know I don't deserve the right to breathe the same air as the rest of you."

Her tone becomes hitched and she has to swallow that last bit down. She wasn't expecting to use so many words but here she was giving the best damn speech of her life.

He's giving her that soft look that he saves just for her as she tries emerge herself in thoughts that doesn't consist of him and the way that he makes her feel. The sound of his voice, so soft and gentle, frightens her. Because he can see past her lies and into that dark pit in her heart that holds her truths.

"I wasn't looking for an apology, just trying to give you some space. But I have to say I disagree with you, Simmons. I believe you can be saved, that you want to be saved," his fingers gently brush a few strands of her hair behind her ear, "You just won't let anyone save you because you think it'll do more damage to your soul than what's already been done. And that's why you're angry… because I could be the one to save you. If you let me."

It hits her hard when she realizes the intent in his words. It's in his eyes that he doesn't quite understand them himself, but she gets it better than she wants to.

She musters up the courage to hurt him and it breaks every little piece of her that's left, "Do you really think you can save me when you couldn't save your own brother?"

It sounds dirty coming out of her mouth and she sees the hope in his eyes die. Mission accomplished. Sometimes you have to be cruel to get your point across and it really makes her hate herself worse than she already does. It breaks her heart that when he walks away he's taking all of her with him.

* * *

When she makes it back to her bunk she falls soundlessly on her bed and buries her head deep within the pillows. She's not sure how long she lays awake. It must've been a lifetime because she's had time to replay all of her wrongful decisions over and over again.

She wants to tell everyone the truth. From beginning to end.

She can't. She just can't do it. And it kills her.

Because how can she be honest with those she's grown to care about when she doesn't know how to be honest with herself?

And she begins to long.

She longs for London, she longs for her worn out books, she longs for her parents and her one bedroom apartment, she longs to be miserable in silence, and she longs to wither away with the echoes of past sins.

She longs to not have Agent Coulson and May looking out for her.

She longs to get rid of Skye's optimism and lost but found friendship with Fitz.

But what she longs for more than anything is to not be on the edge of stepping into a world where she learns to love again. Because what's unacceptable is this longing to be in love with Grant Ward.

What she doesn't know is that she's already there, already loving him. And all it took was for him to see her standing there, dismantled and worn out, and see that she was this beautiful miracle bound to happen.

But she broke it, because she breaks everything.

So she cries because no ones there to see her walls finally crack and she know by tomorrow morning she'll have to pick herself up again. She'll have to pretend like nothings changed because that's what she's good at.

She doesn't know when she falls asleep but when she does she finds that her dreams allow her to find something called _faith_. And she really hopes by the time she wakes up she can hold on to it _forever_.


	2. I'm a Damaged Fool and I Know It

**Title:** _The Good Kind (Take My Tortured Heart by the Hand_

_and Write Me Off)_

**Category:** _Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D._

**Genre:** _Romance_

**Ship:** _Ward/Simmons (Mentions of Simmons/Captain America, Jemma/Original Character)_

**Overall Rating**: _NC-17/Explicit [TEEN]_

**Word Count**: _5,665_

**Summary:** _"But what she longs more than anything is to not be on the edge of stepping into a world where she learns to love again. Because what's unacceptable is this longing to be in love with Grant Ward."_

**II**

_-i'm a damaged fool and i know it-_

When she wakes in the morning there's an ache in her heart and a sense of loss in her soul. A familiar pang that left her bitter and cold (more times than she liked to remember). But she tells herself that she's strong because she's Jemma Simmons and she's not known for throwing the pot in with the kettle.

So she gets herself dress and sits at the edge of her bed. She needs these few seconds to collect her thoughts, to give her the strength to make it through one more day.

_Just. One. More. Day._

* * *

Coulson has asked for a team meeting which can only mean one of two things. 1). He's really going to kick one of them off the bus or 2). he's ready to hand out their next assignment.

Either way she's lost sight of what she wants and it'd be more than satisfying to just be done. Done with all the messes and with all the pain (that S.H.I.E.L.D. brings upon it's servants).

When she gets there she's less than surprised to be the last one to enter and she's even less shocked when Coulson slides the manila folder across the table towards her. It's become an unbreakable habit that she's uncomfortable with, but she's learned to accept it. They all learn rather quickly that it engraves her title in stone.

_She still doesn't know what that is._

One thing is for certain- they are all staring at her. She gets why when she opens the folder and see's the material of their next assignment.

It's a special requested one from Captain America himself, but it's not why all eyes are on her. It's because the very beloved superhero has not just requested their group for this project, but that it's a project mainly requested for her. They don't know the why, but they do register that it has nothing to do with her PhD's or even her combat skills.

It's a personal matter (so personal that it involves Steve Rogers).

She walks away because soon they'll start asking questions and it's best to ignore them.

When she reaches the door to her bunk she feels a strong hand rest on her shoulder. It's Grant. She doesn't have to face him to know his touch. She'd felt it before. He had jumped out of a plane for her, after all.

"Simmons. I just wanted you to know I'm not mad at you for what you said yesterday. I was at first, but I thought about it long and hard. We all say things we don't mean. Right?"

He gives her that rare smile she loves so much and she can't help but feel a little relieved. He hasn't given up on her. Everyone she's ever cared for has given up on her at some point or another, but not him.

_Never him._

* * *

Simmons still has a month to go until Steve's arrival and until then things move accordingly. She's been working hard to save a young boy with unfortunate abilities. She works day in and day out. Nothing helps, nothing will save the boy from himself. (Nothing will save her from herself).

A week later and she witnesses the boy commit suicide. She wasn't able to help him. What if she's unable to help herself too?

The worst of it is she hasn't been able to get enough rest to do anything useful. The team is starting to notice but everyone is too cautious of her to say anything. Their eyes give it away, they need her for when Captain America gets her. She knows this.

She tries to find sleep in her bed, on the couch, in the lab and nothing. Sleep doesn't come and she's out of ideas, until it hits her, that there's still one place she hasn't tried. The car. Back seats have always been her comfort zone so she hops in the back like she's seen Skye do a million times from the lab, propping her head against the leather seat and closes her eyes.

She lays down and even gets enough rest to help her function again, but still no sleep. Unfortunately Simmons hear's a knock on the glass, turning she sees Ward's figure out the tainted windows and pushes the door open for him.

She sits up and things slowly begin to spin. He slides into the seat next to her, she wasn't expecting that, and he clutches her face gently. "Hey, you okay there Simmons?"

His hands drop and she manages to whisper, "I'm fine."

He closes the door he entered before asking her, "You mind if I join you?"

She shakes her head no and looks in the opposite direction of him.

"Are you sure you're alright, Simmons? You've been in here for a long time. I know you've been having trouble sleeping and…"

"How long? How long have I been in here?"

"It's been over five hours. I noticed you earlier when you left this," he reaches from behind him and presents her with a small book, "on the top of the car. 'Alice in Wonderland'. Peculiar reading choice but I figured it belonged to you. I waited until you were ready to come out, but… My gut was telling me something was wrong if after five hours you hadn't noticed me going at the bag or the fact you forgot your book."

"I was lost in thought. My mother used to read that book to me when we took road trips. I used to have trouble sleeping then too. She used to sit in the back with me, running her fingers through my hair while reading to me. It's the only place in the world I'd ever felt safe."

When their eyes meet he wears a look that says he understands and it's like she's a little girl again. His arm wraps around her then and pulls her close. His fingers pull gently on her curls and he cracks the book open. He reads to her and she accepts this tender moment.

He's already beginning to crack her walls and maybe she's beginning to crack his too.

She'll never admit it but hours later when she opens her eyes to her head in his lab it's like she's where she's meant to be.

* * *

When Steve arrives it's like she becomes a whole new person. And when she see's him she runs into his arms like she done it a million times before.

It's probably the first time the team's ever seen a genuine smile from her and it feels pretty damn good to prove to them that there's still something human inside.

She doesn't catch the disapproval in Ward's eye (nor the tension in his body every time she looks, stands, or breathe's next to Steve).

* * *

She's going on a mission tonight with Steve as her date and Ward as their bodyguard at a Gala. She puts on a beautiful bright red dress and does her hair and makeup like she remembers doing a thousand times in another life.

Ward's eyes never leave her and she gives him a court nod now and then, but it's Steve she looks at lovingly.

It's like old times when they used to be partners. Steve had never judged her for the mistakes she had made with Andrew. He'd opened his heart to her and loved her. He was what she needed then.

He was the kind of guy that every girl dreamed of, but through friendship and even a relationship things fell apart. All things precious to her slipped through her fingers.

She'd done what she thought was best.

_She gave him up._

Right here and now it's as if nothing's changed. She forgets that they are no longer the same people and that they had fallen out of love like some couples do.

"You look beautiful, as always Simmons," he whispers into her ear.

They've been dancing all night. She never wants him to let go.

And like all good things in her life it goes straight to hell. Guns are blazing and Steve's tugging her away from the scene. Something pulls them apart and she's searching like a mad man for Ward.

She begins to panic. There's no way to reach Coulson; they weren't planning an attack tonight. They were only to supervise. This dress wasn't made for fighting, but she jumps in away because it's her job. Eventually the chaos settles down and she's calling out for both Grant Ward and Steve Rogers.

Grant reaches her first, "Thank god you're alright. It looks like I didn't need to worry. You handled yourself well. You're not hurt are you?"

The rest of the team has shown up by now and she ignores Ward's question. A great deal of frustration and worry has built up because she can't find Steve.

She looks to Coulson.

"I can't find Steve… You said no one would get hurt. You said we'd just be on lookout. No one was supposed to get hurt and I… I can't find Ste...vvv..ee..e."

A flood of tears come streaming down her face. The word's don't form properly on her lips. Her hands are gripping her hair so tight she might just rip it all out. She start's screaming Steve's name because this can't be how things end for them. For him.

God damn it. He's Captain America.

"I'm right here Jemma."

She turns to see him standing behind her. And there's not a scratch on him. She beside him in a hurry. "You scared me," her hands are gripping his tux by now. "Why didn't you answer me when I called for you? I didn't know what to think and I…"

She tucks her head into his shoulder and cries and cries. He comforts her by rubbing circles on her back until she has nothing left to cry for. She almost forgets, almost, that the room is occupied by Coulson, May, Skye, Fitz, and Ward.

She doesn't have the energy to care anymore.

"Come on. Let's get you out of here," Steve kisses into her hair as he walks her away from the mess.

She doesn't catch the broken look on Grant's face as she's walking away. She misses out on a lot of things he does in regards to her.

* * *

As they make it back she goes to find Ward. She tries to speak to him but he brushes past her and doesn't look back.

Her heart sinks in her chest.

She goes to find Steve instead. He's sitting on her bed. They both know what's coming and she's on her knees in front of him. She takes his hands in hers, preparing herself for the speech she'd been rehearsing on the drive back.

"I never knew how much I loved you until I almost lost you tonight. It's funny that love was the thing that tore us apart. You used to accuse me of not loving you enough. But what if I did? It may not have been in the way you wanted, but I've always loved you. I'm always going to love you, Steve. We were friends above all else. I'm always going to need you by my side, but it took almost losing you to remember why I could never let myself fall in love with you completely. This life we live, that you live, destroys everything in it's wake. I wanted to forget. And for just a little while I did. In the process I put myself in a difficult situation where I had to relive my bad choices with Andrew and my bad choices with you. For a second I thought it was possible you, of all people, could be dead. You once told me that if you're life is full of meaningless regrets than it's not a life worth living. I think you're right. Which is why I'm telling you all of this because I don't want to wake up one morning with you being dead and having gone without telling you all of the things I wish I had the guts to say before."

He's registering her words and she hopes he doesn't hate her. They've already been through so much together and she wants a bittersweet goodbye. Nothing like the last time. "I'm proud of you Jemma. I don't know what it is, or who, but something in you has come to life. I was right about you. You're going to change the world."

She waits for him the say goodbye, he doesn't. He kisses her farewell and walks away.

_Some loves live on forever._

* * *

The next day Simmons decides she needs to tell the gang about some things.

She calls a team meeting because it's time. She knew this day would come, she just didn't think it would be today. They're all sitting sitting in the living room area (if you can even call it that) as they give her quizzical looks.

"There are some things I think I should finally tell you guys. First off Steve left last night so he could go back to being the hero we all know and love and after what happened last night I finally realized that I can't keep living this way. I've been working around my system for so long that I forgot what it was like to be human. Anyway, I know you've all heard the rumours about me. None of you, not even Coulson, knows the whole truth. I'm here to set the record straight because we're a team. We need to start acting like it. And by we, I mean me."

* * *

_ **March 10th, 2009** _

Jemma's sitting in her favorite cafe, it just so happens to be a Thursday. Her favorite day of the week, wearing her favorite sun dress, enjoying a nice cup of tea.

The place is peaceful and empty, until the bell chimes and a young gentleman walks in.

She notices him before he has the chance to look her way. He's beautiful. Almost impossible to look at. And a real crime to look away.

(He's dressed like an American and ordering like a Brit).

It's the first time she feels that sharp ache in her heart (the kind that leaves you breathless). She thinks it might be because of the exhaustion from working days at the academy and nights training for ops, but when his eyes lock with hers it's as if she's melting away. She would say it's chemistry, a real chemical reaction, but it's more.

_And he's coming her way._

"Hi." It's the simplest thing anyone (meaning him) could say to her but it's what really sinks the hook in deep... because his voice is hypnotizing.

She's heard great things about him and she'd recognize Andrew Clarke anywhere. Of course, she'd only seen his picture in the S.H.I.E.L.D. catalogue and read a few articles of his great service, but when it's in person it becomes a million times better.

"_Andrew Clarke._ I've been waiting an eternity to meet you."

She can't help but smile and when he smiles back… it's marvelous. It's impossible to believe that the man standing before her is real. If only she could pinch him.

"_Jemma Simmons._ I've heard great things about you… intelligent, kind, and honest. Very loyal… But no one ever told me you were beautiful."

He's famous in the world of S.H.I.E.L.D. and it makes her pulse race faster because he knows her name. The almighty Clarke has heard of her, little ole Simmons. It's not the way her name rolls of his tongue that sucks away all her oxygen though. Oh, no. It's the way he calls her beautiful that stuns her.

No one has ever called her beautiful before. Not even her parents.

When the heat rises to her cheeks she takes her embarrassment like most young girls and tilts her head away. She's the shy kind, always has been, but he doesn't find it childish or unattractive. It's obvious by the way he shakes his head and chuckles softly.

It gives her enough courage to take a leap of faith, "You should join me. That's if you want."

He takes the seat beside her, leading to hours of meaningful discuss family, beliefs, ideas, and dreams.

And by the time she looks at the clock 4 hours have already come and gone. It's a little disappointing that they both have to go now, yet her hope rises when he asks for her number. She doesn't want this to be the last time she ever meets a boy worthy of affection, much less one who's interested in her.

She'll trust him anyway as he slips out the door because she's that girl. The girl who believes in destiny (believes that Andrew Clarke is meant to be a big part of that).

_She was right._

* * *

_ **April 23rd, 2009** _

They've been on seven dates now and she starting to wonder why he hasn't tried anything yet. He hasn't even kissed her and she's starting to worry that's she taking everything out of context. On their next date she decides she'll make the first move.

So on the next Saturday when he picks her up her palms begin to sweat because she's never been so bold with a guy before. Hell, she's never been bold at anything. When they are seated for their movie she thinks this is the perfect opportunity and every time she thinks she's ready she makes an excuse not to go for it. How can she be a field agent if she can't even kiss a guy she likes?

When the movies over and he opens her door for her she gets in the car as soon as possible because tonight was a disaster. He doesn't even even notice. The whole car ride back to her place is driven in silence. When they do pull up they just seem to sit there. It's more awkward than ever.

"Are you mad at me Jemma? Did I do something wrong? Because you've been acting funny all night."

He sounds so worried and she almost once she scream.

"You didn't do anything wrong. That's the problem. You haven't done anything. This is our eighth date and you still haven't kissed me. Why? Is there something wrong with me?"

He starts to laugh. She doesn't find this amusing, at all. "If you wanted me to kiss you all you had to do was ask."

His lips on hers, drowning out the sounds of her forgotten thoughts. It's one of the best kisses of her life and she's kind of angry at herself for not mentioning it sooner. If only he wasn't such a gentleman.

* * *

_ **June 3rd, 2009** _

It hits her hard and it hits her fast. She's fallen madly in love with Andrew Clarke.

She's never been in love before. It's the most exhilarating experience of her life. She hasn't told him yet, but she wants to. She wants to tell him about the way her heart jumps when he's near or about how he gets her blood pumping when kisses her.

They're going out dancing tonight. She'll tell him then. Where there will be lots of people around and she won't be able to expect the worst.

When they arrive (it's weird because it's not at all like she described) it turns out to be surprise party.

Oh, today's her birthday. She forgot.

"Happy birthday, beautiful."

She kisses him on the cheek when she spots Fitz waiting for her.

"Happy birthday Simmons. Your gift is still in my car. I want to give it to you in private."

Her arms wrap around him and she squeezes tightly. It was his idea, she knows it. "Thanks, Fitz."

She spends the next few hours having a blast because of course she takes this as a sign that loving Clarke is a good thing.

When he's driving her home she finds the opportunity to be perfect. "I love you Andrew." And then the rain comes crashing down on them hard. He steps on the breaks and she's more than glad that they both were smart enough to put their seat belts on.

His reaction isn't what she was hoping for. He doesn't look at her and he doesn't say anything… Because he doesn't love her back.

She's never been so humiliated in her life. She's never felt so unsure of anything, but she isn't going to just sit there and let him make her feel worse of a fool than she already does. Pushing her way out the door she walks. No, she marches.

She wants, needs, to get away from all of this, from him, as soon as she can. The rain is cool against her skin until it becomes warm. It's not rain. It's fresh tears.

She doesn't notice him chasing after her. "Simmons now slow down. You can't just spring something like that on me without giving me some time to process it."

"It should be that difficult to know whether you love me back or not Andrew. I didn't have to think about it. I just knew I loved you and now I look like a damn fool."

He turns her towards him and searches her features with his eyes, "But I do love you, Jemma. I've loved you since day one."

It's their most passionate kiss yet. It's hell of a lot better than their first.

* * *

_ **November 29th, 2009** _

It's been six months since the start of their relationship and everything is going smoothly. They're a normal couple who face normal problems. So when he asks Jemma to move in with him she doesn't way the pros and cons like she does with everything. She just says yes.

She want's this because she loves him. She doesn't know the price of making things permanen because when you start living with somebody things change and you start to notice things about them that wasn't there before.

She loves him regardless of his flaws. Andrew Clarke has become her greatest weakness.

_The man she loves will cost her everything._

* * *

_ **Early October of 2011** _

It's been almost two years and a lot of things have changed.

Jemma has given the life up as a scientist (barely keeping in touch with Fitz; he's grown tired of her), she has now been working in the field for a year and a half, she's become engaged to Mr. Clarke, and she's not the same bright young lady she was when they first met.

He's changed just as he's changed her. They're love still goes on passionately as ever. It's become routine; she can't ever let go.

She won't. Not until he does.

She doesn't expect him to walk away though. Out of all the possibilities this wasn't one of them, but he does it. The sad part is he doesn't actually walk away. He disappears, leaving her to clean up his mess. When S.H.I.E.L.D. comes knocking on her door it dawns on her.

He was a traitor. The kind of bad guy they put away. This whole time he was using her. The man she loved, but never really knew, never loved her.

It's the moment her heart truly shatters because she'd given up everything based on a lie. She'd let herself fade away for a man that didn't exist.

She believes this will be the worst of it.

_It isn't._

* * *

_ **Late October of 2011** _

When she's cleared of all the charges against her (because she's said it a thousand time already she had nothing to do with Andrew Clarke and his schemes) she meets Captain America for the first time.

They become fast friends and she uses him as a shoulder to cry on.

It's the first move she makes to seek out Andrew because she refuses to give up on him just yet.

No one could have loved her that tenderly and no have meant it. No one could have looked at her the way he did and have faked it. It wasn't possible. They're love was real. This she knew.

Steve asks her what she wants. She doesn't know exactly but she tries to be as honest as she can.

"I don't know. I want to get away from all of this. I need to leave this place and I need to leave this life behind. Start fresh. And if and when I run into Andrew again I want to get the truth."

He takes her along for his crazy adventure.

She wasn't expecting it to lead to anywhere. In all honesty she got more than what she was bargaining for with Steve.

* * *

_ **August of 2012** _

Andrew Clarke's name pops up again and she becomes obsessed with finding him. She's been searching for answers for a long time and when she thinks she's close she gets in deeper with mysterious and secrets.

She's at a crossroads with holding onto her love for Andrew and moving on with Steve. He's in love with her. And she feels guilty for it because he wasn't supposed to and she was never supposed to lead him on. She loves him. Not in love with him. There's a big difference and it keeps her grounded. She has to remind herself she's not supposed to love Steve… Captain America. It'll do more damage to her soul than what's been done.

He gets her though. He lets her make her own choices and never hold back. He hasn't stopped fighting for what they could have. If she was still the same Jemm from way back when she'd love him and she'd hold him forever.

But she's not her anymore. She's already experienced love.

_And it was painful._

* * *

_ **August of 2012** _

When she runs into Andrew again they're on a rooftop. She's been chasing after him. He's been hiding from her.

He has no where left to hide. She thinks she can manage seeing him again but when he looks at her she forgets how to breathe, taking her back to the moment they met.

"Jemma. It's not what you…"

The sound of gunshots go off from the corner and she sees him fall. She doesn't care that it's snowing and that she's supposed to be against him. A part of her still loves him. She still doesn't know how to let go of that.

She doesn't care about who shot him or why (even though it was protocol). She's screaming for someone to help them as she clutches him close.

Her tears are dripping from her eyes to his cheeks by now and she's praying for a miracle. His lips read out an 'I love you' and she places her forehead on his. She gets close enough to hear his final words and it shocks her silly

"I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. _I believe you._"

It's the only thing she can manage to say because she was right. He wasn't a traitor.

Yet no one will ever believe her.

It's Captain America that picks her up and carries her away from his dead body.

It goes unnoticed that she's told him everything, she hadn't noticed she's been talking.

However, when he says he'll handle it she lets herself gets some sleep. She'll let herself be damaged in the morning.

* * *

_ **Early 2013** _

Steve did take care of things. Andrew got to die honorable and she got to live disgraceful.

It's his story that counts. He did more good than she ever did. So what if she had made a title for herself fighting beside Captain America? Andrew Clarke may have done bad things but the man she'd known was the man she'd carry with her forever.

It's the stories, the lies, and the rumours that spread like wildfire that makes her uncomfortable. They're partly true, she hates to admit she was willing to sacrifice all that on instinct. If S.H.I.E.L.D. was right he would have had the power to destroy the world.

She tries living with her decisions and when he notices she needs to find healing on her own he makes the choice to go their separate ways.

"I've tried fixing you Jemma, but I don't think this is something that can be fixed so easily. Or maybe I'm just not the right person for the job. I know that you're lost and that you feel like that ache won't ever go away but it will. I've tried loving you, but you don't want me to. I can't keep holding on to something that isn't real. You don't love me. You want to but you need to learn to love yourself first. And I think that this where we say our goodbyes."

She doesn't say a word; she doesn't care anymore. He was going to give up on her eventually. Better late than never so when he kisses her on the forehead goodbye she hold back on the sobs that want to break loose.

* * *

_ **Late 2013** _

She's been living on her own for awhile now and she's trying to find her footing again but four years is a long time. It's not something that can be erased, but she doesn't necessarily want to embrace it.

She takes the jobs that are handed to her and she doesn't complain. She becomes known as a lot of things around the agency and everything is okay. The days are not bad nor good and the nights are lonely. She hasn't looked at herself in a mirror in a while. She doesn't need to. Her beauty shines anyway.

She gets a call that she's been set up to join a new program. She doesn't ask what it is and she doesn't ask about who will be running it. She just says yes. She has to repeat that it's what she does.

It's not really her choice. If it was she'd be happy.

She'd be Jemma Simmons again.

* * *

She tells the short version to the team and she sighs with relief when it's all over.

"So you see, there's many different versions to the story, but from my end that's the truth. That's what happened. But you guys, all of you. You're bringing me back to life. I'm not there yet. I'm far from being myself again. I'll probably never be the same, but I've recognized that I can be free to be who I want to be. I was holding on to a man who was a part of my past. Sure, I loved him. Loved. He's a part of my story for a reason. He was the step I had to take to get to here. And here's pretty damn good."

They all looked amazed by her. It's the way Ward can read her that feels her with self pride.

When the team scrambles apart she lingers for a moment so she can talk to him in private.

"You had me worried too last night… Yesterday I tried talking to you and you were upset. I don't want you to be angry Ward, least of all angry with me. If I did something wrong just be honest with me. I'll want to fix it. Talk it out."

She pats him on the shoulder when she'd finished.

"I'm not angry with you. And even if I wanted to, I wanted be able to make it stick. I was angry for a lot of reasons but none of those reasons are directed towards you. I never want to see you looking so defeated like that again. It killed me. There was nothing I or anyone could do for you."

Simmons hugs him then because he's a good guy. He's got a good heart and he needs someone to know that she's going to be fine. So she squeezes him a little tighter.

She has a long way to go until she's finds herself again, but in this moment nothing but having Grant Ward so close is significant.

_She's right where she wants to be._


End file.
